I don't know Akira that well. And... I really don't want to bother Dick. I think I've bothered him enough, so... I'd like it if I could at least give him a break from dealing with my problems.
[ she shakes her head. ]
... I'll just do my best. In the end, that's all any of us can do.
[ Escha laughs lightly, and it's very clearly forced, like she's just trying to put Lili at ease.
There are certain kinds of support that are supposed to come from certain people. She understands that perfectly well. For Escha it's just that her person isn't - awake. ]
No - I don't... [ she's not sure she wants to get into this with Lili, but she also isn't very good at holding her thoughts back. ] I don't think you're wrong.
Just think about if... If Ookurikara were one of the ones sleeping. He would still be the person that you're supposed to turn to. It would be strange for you to turn to anyone else. Wouldn't it?
[ . . . . she thinks about that for a moment, before tilting her head.]
... when I died in the village, the two of us were separated. For a few weeks. So... I wasn't able to really talk to him, except for a few short messages each week.
I just talked to Tsurumaru instead, because he's the one who was around.
Because I don't want people to think they can't come to me for help.
If people are too focused on protecting me or too worried about me... [ she shakes her head. ] I just want to reach the level of being equals with the people here.
[ . . . . there is so much here that lili is having a hard time understanding. because she recognizes the words. she knows what it's like, to want to be seen as an equal rather than someone to be protected. she had to fight so hard to get that, and even now she overcompensates, maybe.
is that what escha is doing?]
... have there been times here when people still don't treat you like an equal?
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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... or you can get advice from anyone else - Akira or Dick might be good at this - but... I don't know if what I'm doing is technically right, either.
But it's what I think is right, and I'm too stubborn to give up.
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[ she shakes her head. ]
... I'll just do my best. In the end, that's all any of us can do.
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While I agree with that - you should still be supported through your problems.
And before this gets turned around on me like it always is....
I have Kara.
[and like. her friends. but she acknowledges there are some parts of her emotional breakdowns that go straight to boyfriend duty]
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There are certain kinds of support that are supposed to come from certain people. She understands that perfectly well. For Escha it's just that her person isn't - awake. ]
You're right.
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You say I'm right, but you laugh like I'm wrong.
If you disagree with me, at least have the decency to say so.
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Just think about if... If Ookurikara were one of the ones sleeping. He would still be the person that you're supposed to turn to. It would be strange for you to turn to anyone else. Wouldn't it?
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... when I died in the village, the two of us were separated. For a few weeks. So... I wasn't able to really talk to him, except for a few short messages each week.
I just talked to Tsurumaru instead, because he's the one who was around.
[ . . . ]
You're talking about your coworker, right?
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and also doesn't confirm or deny that she's definitely talking about her coworker. ]
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escha
lili just blinks]
.... there's nothing stopping you from just... opening up to another person, if the other person is good enough, you know?
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I'm nobility - my duty is to serve others.
Does that mean I'm free from you telling me I deserve help now?
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[ what a blunt answer. but no, you can't escape her lectures. ]
It's - it's not like I never rely on anyone for help. I ask for help with small stuff.
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[just. bluntly right back!!!]
If you don't listen to your own advice, how am I supposed to take it? That's so two-faced...
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... that might be a cruel word for it.
[she can acknowledge that escha is a nice person and probably doesn't deserve to be called two-faced.]
But it is a bit dishonest of you. It makes you a lot harder to believe if you'll tell people one thing but practice another so blatantly.
A lot of people care about you, you know. I'm sure they want to help you with things that aren't just... small.
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... I don't think you're wrong.
There are just limits. That's all.
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I'm not going to be offended if you disagree with me. I'd rather you be honest about your thoughts than nice.
[it's actually kind of hard to offend her on a personal level?]
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If people are too focused on protecting me or too worried about me... [ she shakes her head. ] I just want to reach the level of being equals with the people here.
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is that what escha is doing?]
... have there been times here when people still don't treat you like an equal?
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I think you're getting in your own way?
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[ she's not going to argue this much further with Lili, who she barely knows. :( ]
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.... well, good luck with it.
I hope you find whatever answer you're looking for.